After the Storm

“When you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in.”
~ Haruki Murakami

Pretty notable thunderstorms passed through much of the country last week, and we had our share here in Ohio. As the biggest of our storms came to an end, I happened to look through our family room window. It was so beautiful, and I stood there mesmerized, feeling like I was seeing a snapshot of my inside self. Am I really coming to the end of this storm? It seems like maybe.

In my blog post at the end of January, I shared the news that the PVC’s in my heart had suddenly disappeared on their own, and that although my health had improved, I was still really struggling. The entire picture concerning this whole mysterious saga of my heart issues was still just that — mysterious.

It has been a full year now since I was diagnosed with heart failure, and in this blog post, I am so excited to say that for almost four full weeks now, I have felt great! Not just better, but much, much better.

I have felt so many times just like the photo above — like I have passed through a powerful and exhausting storm and come out of the other side. Maybe somewhat battered. Maybe weary. But glowing at my center. So thankful. Definitely changed. I am not the same person who went into this storm a year ago.

I feel highly tuned in to small beauties all around me that I might’ve missed before. Awed by the normal, everyday things around me. I marvel at the incredible-ness of our human bodies. The way they move to carry us from Point A to Point B. The way a clear-thinking brain can plan and juggle many thoughts at the same time. The way air can move in and out, in and out, in and out of our lungs with no effort on our part. It truly amazes me, and sometimes I just pause, sit still, and feel the strength in my trunk that holds me so upright without my having to focus on it. The way my legs feel a glorious stretch as I take normal strides through a grocery store. Or the miracle of effortless breathing as life-sustaining air just moves through my body. What an incredible gift!

Also, my faith is stronger than it was a year ago. It is surer of Truth. God has used this storm to enable me to trust him more than I did before. And this ability to trust him better has resulted in a peace that is deeper and more filling than the peace I had when this storm first came to me. I feel like I know him better, and I know me better. I feel so much more okay with who I am and with who he will continue to shape me into.

I know there will still be more storms ahead. Many, I’m sure. And I don’t even know that this particular storm is gone for good. It could return. Since no one knows what caused it, we can’t know that it’s gone forever. I return to Cleveland Clinic on April 15 to repeat some tests and see what they show now. And while I’m there, I will ask some more questions, not really expecting to get answers. The flip of the switch that resulted in the very sudden end to my struggles to breathe, started the day my oral surgeon put me on a muscle relaxer. I had some complications from a tough oral surgery that set in motion some pretty agonizing spasms in my facial muscles, and we’re still trying to get these spasms completely under control. Part of that treatment has involved taking a muscle relaxer three times a day. It leaves me really sleepy, unable to drive, and still easily tired-out. But I have been breathing almost perfectly since I started taking them. Is this timing just a coincidence, or is there some kind of connection? I won’t go into more details right now about all of the factors in play, but will just say that there are still unknowns.

I am breathing, though! Breathing almost normally! And I am choosing to relish each delicious moment of this, regardless of what might be coming ahead.

I hope to be able to stop the muscle relaxer soon, and get back to driving and not feeling drugged all day, every day. I do sometimes feel some fear about the possibility of the breathing struggle returning at that time, but each time I begin to be afraid, I just pause and feel the beauty of breathing, and ask God to keep filling me with his strength to trust him. Stay tuned. And I am so thankful for all that this year-long storm has done to the inside me so far.

When God takes me away from my dreams, I need to rest in his immeasurable love. I need to remember God’s absolute sovereignty. God calls me to trust the bedrock principles I know from Scripture and from experience — that God is completely sovereign and loving and wise. Will I trust my circumstances that constantly change? Or will I trust God who is unchanging?”
~ Vaneetha Rendall Risner, “The Scars that have Shaped Me”

I’ll end with a few pictures from our Easter. I kept forgetting to take pictures as I was so busy just drinking in all of the beautiful moments around me, but our oldest son and his little family were in town for the week leading up to Easter, and it was so great to have almost all of our family together on Good Friday. Sadly, a couple of our sons had to work and couldn’t be with us that day, but it was a gorgeous and memory-making day anyway. Scott and I loved having all twelve of our grandchildren together, and spending time with our two West Coast grandsons we don’t get to see very often, doing things with them that my health wouldn’t have allowed before this recent drastic improvement. I even prepared much of our Easter dinner! This felt huge for me! What a gigantic, happy blessing this Easter was, even though we weren’t able to get all of us to church yet.